I just had my left thigh tattooed. It's a Deer, I love it.

I don't quite know where I am at the moment. The last couple of days have been utterly confusing, like solving a riddle or something. I've been painting like it's the last thing I'll ever do, completely in a trance. I'd like to have the luxury of it being all I do but alas there are bills to be paid and I'm already late...

But I start my full-time job as a Tattooist next week, so I feel a bit better about that.

I seem to have forgotten my head somewhere and don't quite know where I left it. I seem to be stuck in a constant state of dettachment like I am not quite in my body. More than ever I am having trouble relating to life, my emotions, the people around me. I feel harsh and unfeeling. Completely 'Cold Fish'.

And I wonder if this is what I wanted?

This is of course, not to say that I am 'depressed' or hateful of life. The problem is simply that life and living confuses me to a point where I become an absence rather than an actuality. I do not understand, so I become less than I am or could be. A shell. Something almost impenetrable. Almost.
Sometimes I am permeated by a harsh light that I can only describe as the 'solid' and everything becomes chaos again. But like this, I am just a vague remnant of a girl who likes to draw stuff.

So, on the subject of drawing stuff. I have one more painting left to do for myself. I am then to move on to the newest commissions for 'Too Fast' and another commission I have been asked to do by a representative from 'EA Sports', which of course should not only be a big earner for myself but an amazing opportunity to promote my work. I've already drawn a priliminary design and now I just have to tweak it a bit, but they seem very pleased so far and I am grateful for the opportunity.
I do feel a little as though I am 'selling out' by trying to promote my work, especially with such a massive company like EA sports. I don't know, I just feel as though my work was never supposed to become something glamourous like that. I don't even care that much for EA Sports or gaming in general, I just took the commission on because I felt obligated to and though I could express thanks for the chance I feel it would be as hollow as the piece I produce for them. Because, at the end of the day I am not particulary interested in how many people see my work, or in becoming popular through the mainstream...

...I guess that part of me just wants to connect with something, someone, and I'm just reaching out the only way I know how. Hoping that someone will hear me screaming. But I know that when I spark interest even now, I will shy away from your attention.

Just like a flower blooms with the affectionate warmth of the sun, so shall it burn in it's gaze.

Thank you, and good evening.